03 January 2014


Today I started xanax again.  I thought it'd help with the anxiety and the panic attacks, like it used to.

I think I probably shouldn't judge from just one dose after a year and a half of zero medications.

So far, I am:

-Losing track of time
-Using the wrong words and not noticing because bitchez I don't give a pumpernickle
-Moving much slower (which stresses me out)
-Hyperfocusing on the inconsequential task I am working on and ignoring everything else that might clutter me
-Using dashes instead of bullets
-Not correcting this because bitchez I don't give a can of quarters
-Avoiding urgent tasks
-Smoking less
-Drinking less
-Forgetting things I've already said and saying them again
-Avoiding urgent tasks
-Still having panic attacks
-Eating all the lifesavers by myself because bitchez I don't give an orange fuckin' chair.

I am still panicking though.  But I do feel I have reason.  Having recently switched Spawn to formula, I am running into the new problem of...running out of formula.  If I used some random common formula like Enfamil or something it wouldn't matter, but I'm using the good shit.  The shit that alleviates some of the guilt I feel about not producing enough milk to feed my baby.  The shit that I buy online or have to drive 2 hours away to get and pay half again times the price for if, oh, say...

Cans that I ordered on December 23rd have STILL NOT ARRIVED.

I called Fedex (after trying the nameless tracking number in every shippers site to figure out who they were even going through), and they said yeah, they issued the tracking number, but the company never gave them anything to actually ship after that.  So I call the company, because their email to me says the number is open until 5pm PST.  I live in Central time.  So I call at 5:00 my time, and the message on the machine says they're open until 4pm EASTERN.  FUCK Y'ALL'S EMAIL.  YOU LIEEEE.


So I try a few different departments, clicking through, waiting on hold music, before finally getting a machine's recording that they are not there each time.  I even try pressing zero to go straight to a rep.  Finally I leave a message kindly and firmly informing them that I have to feed my baby something and I wanted it to be their formula, would they kindly get back to me as soon as kindly possible, thank you kindly, kindly.  Fucking kindly.

But more eloquently than that.

I love this formula, but this service is driving me bonkers, and the xanax isn't helping like I thought it might.  I mean, you guys have $55 of my money and I have no formula, and your computer thinks it's all done, shipped off, voila.

It's not a Christmas card, y'all.  It's my baby's food.  That...CAN'T happen.


I'm going to go spin because spinning is xanax for the hands, and if my hands are calm, they will stop tearing up my cuticles.

Come on, pills.  Do your thing.  Mama wants to be sane again.

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