29 November 2016

I ran them both off on purpose

I had valid, justified reasons.

And I have two men still asking me for sex and a relationship anyways. Two men I've pissed off by disregarding them and putting myself first, but who will say in the same breath that I should fuck them. Two men I've run off, though. In a row. When things got close. Not because they did, but definitely when they did.

I've never really broken up with someone before. Just waited for them to leave me.

Is this normal and right?

Or do I just really want to blow up every interaction that approaches the romantic.

Do I just need to be alone? Do I need to fail, like she does? Or is this how people feel when they are the ones breaking up?

So you can make me come, that doesn't make you Jesus.

Side note to self - please remember that every person you become involved with in any capacity will at some point be upset with you and broken up with, so maybe choose new flings and partners based on what they will do when you say no. Like, maybe look ahead at all.

Side side note - why do I have to be careful to break up with someone sweetly in case they turn suddenly aggressive? I mean he wouldn't probably. I can't do this with people. I can't trust them not to flip or hate me or manipulate me. It's better for me to be alone and sure of myself, than with someone I cannot be sure of.

17 November 2016

Taking Advantage of Kindness

When I'm nice, it is because I am doing a favor, because I want to. It is not my default setting. It is not because "I'm nice." Niceness is not a trait - it is a personal gift.

I give a lot of gifts. All day, most days. To a lot of people. But they are still valuable. They are still conscious decisions. They are not owed anymore than a neatly wrapped game system under the Christmas tree is owed.

You may not choose your gifts and give me a shopping list - they need to come from me.

You may not get angry with me or punish me for not getting you enough gifts if I don't have the budget, or if you expected more.

The more you steal from me, and the less you say thank you,

The less I want to give you.

07 November 2016

Untitled. Just like your mom.

I've moved past looking at posts about love and partnership and burning with jealousy, self pity, and resentment.

Now I wonder - what makes love tick?

Is it cooperation? Dependency? Friendship? Companionship? Empathy? Lust? Affection?

Am I without these things? If so, is it my shortfall, or his? Wouldn't it be easier to go back to how things were and go back to swallowing my upset like a thick, bitter syrup? Or the excusing self blame that was the spoonful of sugar?

I keep thinking there is some comparative scale by which little offenses can be relatable and thereby normal. Other guys do this or that and we say hey, that's marriage. But there's something underneath those arguments, some glue, that I'm missing.

She says, I was only ever happy when I kept things happy by being quiet.

She says am I crazy.

And we all chime together - this isn't normative by the global scale of relative relationships.

But maybe there's just no glue. Maybe he didn't put any glue down, and she is picking up pieces as they fall off, and he's asking why she keeps breaking everything.

I don't need to ask myself if I am capable of happiness or if I deserve it now. But I'm still interrogating myself, daily - am I capable of happiness here? How much is true? What is twisted? Who do I want to be? Can I be that woman here, in this situation?

And the question I hate asking.

Will it hurt too many people to cut my ties and escape out of this cocoon I've built up around myself? If I were happier, or if I were lost and regretful - it doesn't matter to me as much as "will it, will I, wreck everyone else for no good reason?"

Because wouldn't it be easier to squeeze my bulging self back into the shell and see through what I've never seen reason to leave before?

Can I grow, can I move, in this one spot, so I don't make anyone uncomfortable with my mass?