18 October 2014

ADD: The Story of a Lazy Slob

I know two things.

Thing One
ADD/ADHD people are not stupid, lazy, unmotivated, uninterested, or uninspired.

There was, maybe is, a prevalent opinion that children (or adults) diagnosed with ADD/ADHD were misdiagnosed, and were actually experiencing (or rather, since this is from the unaffected observer's POV, were exhibiting) unrelated, sub-disordered behavioral problems.  A child with ADD is clearly just over-sugared, under-disciplined, and poorly parented.  An adult with ADD is clearly maladapted to living as an adult, and is egocentric in thinking that things should fall into their laps and people should clean up after them.

With research and imaging available to us which fully debunks this idea, with the squashing of dismissive claims that doctors clearly just over diagnose, with studies and extensive personal confessions of those affected, this should be thoroughly out of date.

But for those of us that grew up in households where ADD was either not known, not understood, or even simply ignored, that thought is completely embedded in our perceptions and evaluations of ourselves.

I KNOW that ADD people fight an uphill battle every day to do the simplest of things.  I KNOW that ADD people cannot simply "do it."  I KNOW that ADD people are not "easily distracted," but are actually focusing on multiple things at once and have difficulty narrowing focus down to just one of those ongoing processes.  I KNOW that many ADD medications come with tolerances, so most cannot stay on one dose nonstop and it still be effective; therefore I also know that many ADD people self medicate successfully with similar things like caffeine, alcohol, etc.  I KNOW that ADD people typically come with a host of comorbid disorders weighing on their life and complicating their struggles.

Thing Two
I am ADD, diagnosed, imaged, confirmed multiple times, and medicated.

I am fucking impossible.

Maybe it's the voice in the back of my head, the memories from childhood to 14 or 15 when I finally was allowed to try my brother's Concerta, the voice of my mother screaming at me to just get it done. Maybe it's the time she got so frustrated that I couldn't comprehend her charades at six in the morning while trying to complete my homework, that she yanked me by the hair up from my chair, slamming my knees into the desk bottom, threw me down in the hallway and kicked me, telling me afterward never to tell anyone or I'd be taken away.  Maybe it's the science fair project that wasn't laid out right after multiple sleepless nights.  Maybe it's the night, after night, after night, my entire middle school experience, looking at the clock that read 3 or 4 am, looking down at my agenda that was filled with seven or eight major pieces of homework that I just couldn't get moving on.  Maybe it's my first year at college, when I wrote eleven papers in two nights because I'd put them all off (judged by a peer to be a typical Freshman mistake of poor planning).  Maybe it's my third year of college when I couldn't walk into the classroom or get on the bus because my panic disorder controlled my life.  Maybe it's my fourth and fifth years, when I'd walk out of a classroom mid-lecture because I'd missed something they said while I was daydreaming and now my notes would be forever out of order.

Maybe it's ME, after YEARS of telling myself I was, indeed, lazy.  A poor time budgeter.  An unmotivated slob who had no excuses to hide behind because even the fucking hungover idiot with his daddy's Porsche could manage to complete the goddamn homework.  I don't believe in excuses.

Lazy, stupid, an endless cycle of promises that will never be filled.

I have spent the entire day, the ENTIRE day, pumping up on energy drinks, ritalin, and smaller than normal doses of xanax so that I can tackle the kitchen.  The kitchen filled with horrors.  The kitchen with fruit fly casings, spilled cat food, trash, dirty dishes, mildew.

The kitchen that my landlord's appraiser CANNOT see in its current state.

Why push today?  Why not sleep and handle it tomorrow?

Oh, because in four hours I make a 3 hour drive out of town to my old teacher's charity.  I draw for three hours, then I make the same drive back so I can be at work by 2pm.  Then I work until 11pm.

She gets here while I'm at work.

I ate pizza.  I didn't count calories.  Because who cares, right?  I'm going to burn plenty cleaning up, I'm going to need all the fuel I can get.


Because this pattern will NEVER STOP.

I'm so angry at myself, at my husband for having an equally difficult time but blaming me and going to bed while I sit up and worry.  I'm angry at this slower than a snail's pace move.  I'm angry at my asinine schedule.  I'm angry that people still expect me to be peppy.  I'm angry that after everything I have gone through, people still have the BALLS to set their problems in my lap and expect me to fix them.

You know what?

Take your cloud of negativity the fuck AWAY from me.  Take your judgments and your hatred and your bigotry to someone else's world.  Stop making me feel this way.  Just fucking stop.

When do I get the luxury of giving up?  When do I get to say, hey, I'm going to bed, the elves can handle this?

This is a bad time.

She's dead.  She's dying.  He's raging.  He's crying all night.  She's controlling my life.  He's screwing over my client and friend.  She's fucking trying to rape me.  Everyone, and everything, is hungry.  Everyone is broke.

Let one more person remind me I'm a failure in my life.  Let one more person tell me not to be happy.

She's right, though.  No one would forgive me, if I wanted to have another baby.

I am alone.

06 October 2014

Yes, Things Are Hard

I've been keeping my chin up.  I've been powering through.  I've been telling myself that my luck has to change eventually.

I think it's time to admit to myself, really understand, that yes, right now, things are very hard.  And that's okay.

I've had a TFH and a tragus walk out today because we didn't order the jewelry quickly enough.  My friend whose cat I am watching is pushing back her move (when she can take her cats back) at least ten days.  My mom called to let me know my aunt's lung/pancreatic/brain cancer has overcome her, she can't recognize anyone except one of her sisters, and she will not eat or accept nutrition through IV.  They guess she has four days left, tops.

And Saturday night, my boss's wife tried to sexually assault me.

Let's just...let's discuss that.

The only way that situation makes sense to me is if I view it as though it happened to someone else.  If it's me, I don't understand it.  If it's me, I don't know how to feel.  But if it's someone else, I know exactly how wrong this was.

I don't want to write it all out and describe it right now.

The things I feel were wrong:

  • Despite saying no, clearly, multiple times, she still proceeded to climb on top of me, crowd me, try to kiss me, try to pull my face to hers
  • Despite saying no, clearly, multiple times, she unbuttoned my pants without my permission or consent
  • She intimidated me, talking about her gun multiple times and threatening to shoot me with it if I told anyone about a secret she had shared earlier in the night
  • She used the fact that we had kissed before to prove it was acceptable to kiss again, and to fuck
  • She told me I had to know I was attractive, like that was the reason it was happening
  • She held my arms and told me that my struggling, when I pushed or kicked her off of me, was sexy.  She actually said, "It makes it hotter when you struggle."
  • She congratulated me for continuing to say no, stating that most people didn't have the ability to hold their ground.  And I was DRUNK.
  • The only way I could convince her to stop, after trying physically pushing her off, playing the Laci Green youtube video on consent (we are both fans of her videos), repeating no in no uncertain terms without qualifiers, was to let her snuggle my tits through my shirt.  I wasn't comfortable with it, but I yielded so I would not be RAPED IN MY OWN HOME.
  • She called me as I was going to bed, after she had gotten home safely, to confirm that we were doing this "every weekend now."  I never, ever suggested that, and I said no, but she wouldn't take that no any more than my previous ones.
  • When she left, she took my sweater with her, refusing to give it back.  She agreed to leave it at the shop, but hasn't yet.
  • The fact that this occurred after we had both been drinking
  • The fact that this occurred after she sent her male friend home
  • The fact that this occurred with someone who is married to my employer and holds sway over my job
The things that make me question my guilt:
  • Before she told me that her husband insisted on knowing about or participating in their relationships with girls, I let her kiss me when she asked and we were pouring drinks.  I don't think much of kisses, but looking back now, I feel as though this kiss meant I owed her physical activity after the fact, as well.  Were this someone else, I would say no, you can change your mind at any time and never have to justify it.
  • Before I understood the dynamic between her and her husband, I did lightly make mention that I found her attractive, and that if the situation were different (my boss disliking it) I might be open to something progressing.  I feel that this statement removed the validity of my future "no"s because I had already stated that I would sexually participate with her.  Were this someone else, I would say no, you can change your mind at any time and never have to justify it.
  • I'm not good at understanding when I am flirting.  I tend to be a friendly and complimentary person, and submissive by nature.  I pour drinks, I light cigarettes, I tell people they are attractive.  I enjoy making people feel good about themselves.  I feel that this was misinterpreted, and that I led her on.  I feel that by being friendly I sent signals to continue pursuing me, when this was not what I wanted.  Were this someone else, I would say no, you can say no at any time and it be respected.
  • I had offered, before she became aggressive or coercive, to let her sleep over if she ended up drinking too much to drive safely.  I feel this was a misinterpreted offer, and that even though I specifically stated having one of us sleep on the couch or pillow-walling it, she thought this meant I was open to sex.  Were this someone else, I would say no, you have the right to say no at any time and it be respected!

It was not respected.

It was NOT respected.

Now I have an armed Domme trying to force herself on me, into my home every weekend, and keeping my sweater.  I mean what is that all about.  Is she huffing it?  What the fuck.  Hey, guess what?  Just because we're both pansexual polyamorous people, doesn't mean my vagina is just open season over here.  THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.