28 January 2014

Look Out. It's the A-word.

***Trigger Warning!***
So I was reading through the Women's Health Protection Act text, and I hit the bit about ectopic pregnancies.  This issue is very close to my heart.  I'm going to rant a bit now, and I hope you will take a deep breath before reading and read it with patience.  I am not trying to disagree with anyone or attack anyone.  I certainly hope that anyone who has been through a traumatic pregnancy does not in ANY way feel that I am making it harder for them by the terminology I use.  This is a personal thing for me, and my entire point, is that it is a personal thing for every woman.  This view I have is a direct result of my loss.  Other women will view it differently.  Other grieving women will view it ENTIRELY differently.  Please be patient with me.

This is a difficult position for me to take.

I believe in women's rights.  I believe in treating pregnant women, mothers, and those who may become mothers (or rather, those who may have children) as human beings, and not livestock.

I believe that our current system of restrictions, targeted take-downs, and state legislation is harmful to not only women, but their families.

But mentally, I make very clear definitions for the words abortion, pregnancy, birth.  I know what these mean.  I know what a chemical pregnancy is.  I know what a molar pregnancy is.  I know what an unwanted pregnancy is.  I know what a pregnancy resulting from a rape is.

What I don't know, however, is what makes these different.

I believe that any woman has the right, as does any individual, to decide what happens to their body at any point in time.  We make that decision any time we give birth, we do!  We decide if we want a C-section.  We decide if we want a "natural birth."  We decide if we want to have a baby at home, in a hospital, in a birthing center.

We do NOT lose the right to decide what happens to our bodies and ourselves upon peeing on a stick and seeing a second line.  That is not where womanhood ends.

When a woman is pregnant, she can decide whether or not to drink.  She can decide whether or not to smoke.  She is left with warnings and cautions and allowed to make her own, human decision.  She is given the choice on how to carry and birth her child, and then how or if to raise it.

It's important to remember that.

It is extremely important to remember that, even when a woman is carrying another human being, fetus, embryo, inside her - that human being, fetus, embryo is inside A HUMAN BEING.  A woman.  A person.

Now, with all that said, the difficult part.

I know that there is no difference between aborting a healthy pregnancy and aborting a nonviable one.  Just listen to me.  I know that there is no difference between a baby conceived from consensual sex and a baby conceived by force.  I know that there is no difference between an abortion of a 7 week old infant and the surgical removal of a 7 week old ectopic baby implanted in the fallopian tube.

Not to the baby.

This part, it's black and white.  You cannot make an exception.  Because across the board, methotrexate or a D&C causes any pregnancy to stop.  Any pregnancy.

Loved babies.  Unloved babies.  Babies implanted in the wrong spot.  Babies that aren't babies at all but just masses of rapidly multiplying cells.

You can't make the distinction.  You can't use the excuse.

What this is, is simply discrimination.  You feel for the woman who wanted a baby but would die if she didn't terminate.  You FEEL for the woman who was raped.  You don't even fucking know about the woman whose molar pregnancy destroyed her life and broke her heart.

But the woman, whose job it is to prevent pregnancy, who becomes pregnant on accident, or who became pregnant but cannot afford to stay pregnant, these women, you hate and cannot relate to.

So for them, it's different.

It's not that it's okay for these exceptions, these special cases - it's that it's wrong for the women you dislike.  The women you do not respect.

And to punish them, you will punish all of us.

I don't think you are thinking about the babies at all.  I think you hate the women.  I think you could never put yourself in their shoes, and I hope you never have to.

Just let me tell you.

I had an abortion.

Looking back on the absolute hell I went through after losing it, looking back on the twelve hours at the hospital, the hours before that of all-consuming pain, the months of searching and failing to find support groups, the months of PTSD, panic attacks, depression, the following pregnancy that I denied for months and did not enjoy whatsoever...

Looking back at what I went through, I would go back, and I would have made the choice to take the methotrexate.  Because I would have gone home, curled up in the tub, and held on for all that I am worth.  I wouldn't have taken the shots.  I wouldn't have done anything.  I would have held onto my gut until it killed me.  I would have given her every single ounce of love she deserved before we both died.

I still feel that would have been the right decision for me.

But at the time I decided abortion was right.  And when told I might die otherwise, I pussied out, out of some kind of obligation to life and I don't even understand now.  I had the surgery, and had my ectopic pregnancy removed.

Since then I have been a ghost in my own life.

It's.  An.  Abortion.

Maybe not for any other women who have gone through it, but for me, all of these situations are the same - they are all full of suffering, loss, and heartache.

The last thing any woman needs is to be told that is someone else's call.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, that was my call, and my responsibility to myself, my body, my life, my family, and my baby.

We were both doomed that day.  But it wasn't then and it isn't now your call to make.

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