I'm realizing today how important the words I use are when relating to my situation. For example, there is a massive difference in the following two phrases:
"I want to divorce my husband."
"I want to divorce AJ."
The former detaches emotions from the situation and describes an action. The latter reminds me the weight involved in the process of leaving the person I have come to know painfully well. It reminds me, pointedly, that he is a person, and a part of my life, that I will be cutting off if I file.
"I want a divorce."
"I want to leave him."
Wanting a divorce is like wanting an apple. It's a thing. Separate from our relationship. Just a thing you ask someone for and they give it to you, easy peasy. Maybe that apple has a cost, like half your communal assets, but look at the second statement. Now that cost is your partner. Now that price is years of work on a relationship, and all the heartbreak that came with it.
Now, with the second statements, you are questioning - is this really what I want? Am I throwing something out that still has value? Is he right, and I'm just too sensitive? Do I want to be a victim? Was I ever really a victim?
Or at least, that's what I get out of it.
Now let's take a look at these:
"It hurts so much when you dismiss me."
"You just have a persecution complex."
"I think you should be talking to somebody about your depression."
"You should talk."
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to leave someone who is so positive I've caused all his problems, sapped him of his life, and acted totally bonkers for years and years. Maybe he'd be thrilled to have me out of his field of vision.
Maybe he just needs me around to feel justified and better than.
Maybe I'm playing into his game by questioning if the good times are really not worth salvaging the marriage. Maybe, by sitting here and thinking, am I nuts, I'm perpetuating that cycle of low self worth.
Maybe what I should REALLY be thinking is,
"How do I do right by me?"
For the first time in my entire life.