I think it's time to admit to myself, really understand, that yes, right now, things are very hard. And that's okay.
I've had a TFH and a tragus walk out today because we didn't order the jewelry quickly enough. My friend whose cat I am watching is pushing back her move (when she can take her cats back) at least ten days. My mom called to let me know my aunt's lung/pancreatic/brain cancer has overcome her, she can't recognize anyone except one of her sisters, and she will not eat or accept nutrition through IV. They guess she has four days left, tops.
And Saturday night, my boss's wife tried to sexually assault me.
Let's just...let's discuss that.
The only way that situation makes sense to me is if I view it as though it happened to someone else. If it's me, I don't understand it. If it's me, I don't know how to feel. But if it's someone else, I know exactly how wrong this was.
I don't want to write it all out and describe it right now.
The things I feel were wrong:
- Despite saying no, clearly, multiple times, she still proceeded to climb on top of me, crowd me, try to kiss me, try to pull my face to hers
- Despite saying no, clearly, multiple times, she unbuttoned my pants without my permission or consent
- She intimidated me, talking about her gun multiple times and threatening to shoot me with it if I told anyone about a secret she had shared earlier in the night
- She used the fact that we had kissed before to prove it was acceptable to kiss again, and to fuck
- She told me I had to know I was attractive, like that was the reason it was happening
- She held my arms and told me that my struggling, when I pushed or kicked her off of me, was sexy. She actually said, "It makes it hotter when you struggle."
- She congratulated me for continuing to say no, stating that most people didn't have the ability to hold their ground. And I was DRUNK.
- The only way I could convince her to stop, after trying physically pushing her off, playing the Laci Green youtube video on consent (we are both fans of her videos), repeating no in no uncertain terms without qualifiers, was to let her snuggle my tits through my shirt. I wasn't comfortable with it, but I yielded so I would not be RAPED IN MY OWN HOME.
- She called me as I was going to bed, after she had gotten home safely, to confirm that we were doing this "every weekend now." I never, ever suggested that, and I said no, but she wouldn't take that no any more than my previous ones.
- When she left, she took my sweater with her, refusing to give it back. She agreed to leave it at the shop, but hasn't yet.
- The fact that this occurred after we had both been drinking
- The fact that this occurred after she sent her male friend home
- The fact that this occurred with someone who is married to my employer and holds sway over my job
The things that make me question my guilt:
- Before she told me that her husband insisted on knowing about or participating in their relationships with girls, I let her kiss me when she asked and we were pouring drinks. I don't think much of kisses, but looking back now, I feel as though this kiss meant I owed her physical activity after the fact, as well. Were this someone else, I would say no, you can change your mind at any time and never have to justify it.
- Before I understood the dynamic between her and her husband, I did lightly make mention that I found her attractive, and that if the situation were different (my boss disliking it) I might be open to something progressing. I feel that this statement removed the validity of my future "no"s because I had already stated that I would sexually participate with her. Were this someone else, I would say no, you can change your mind at any time and never have to justify it.
- I'm not good at understanding when I am flirting. I tend to be a friendly and complimentary person, and submissive by nature. I pour drinks, I light cigarettes, I tell people they are attractive. I enjoy making people feel good about themselves. I feel that this was misinterpreted, and that I led her on. I feel that by being friendly I sent signals to continue pursuing me, when this was not what I wanted. Were this someone else, I would say no, you can say no at any time and it be respected.
- I had offered, before she became aggressive or coercive, to let her sleep over if she ended up drinking too much to drive safely. I feel this was a misinterpreted offer, and that even though I specifically stated having one of us sleep on the couch or pillow-walling it, she thought this meant I was open to sex. Were this someone else, I would say no, you have the right to say no at any time and it be respected!
It was not respected.
It was NOT respected.
Now I have an armed Domme trying to force herself on me, into my home every weekend, and keeping my sweater. I mean what is that all about. Is she huffing it? What the fuck. Hey, guess what? Just because we're both pansexual polyamorous people, doesn't mean my vagina is just open season over here. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.