I Have a Letter

I don't know where it is. I don't remember what it says.

I know the sentiment like the back of my hand. It plays on repeat in my mind every day.

I miss you.

I love you.

I will protect you.

I couldn't protect you.

It loops through behind my eyes when people speak to me. When people presume to know me.

It's why I don't let them know me.

Because

I miss her

I love her

I WILL protect her

And in the most defeating way, like that cocky breath you take right before the world makes you completely powerless, I exhale

And she is

Gone

Like the minutes in the car staring at the front door
Like the empty space in my chest at the end of the night
Like the pressure in my throat
Like the heartbroken sigh of deep, unavoidable loss

I carry my baby with me like a physical weight

That weight in my arms, that emptiness, is all I have left of her

I won't let it go

I won't move on

She belongs here at my chest, wrapped up in me, kept safe where I could not keep her alive