14 May 2024

Take

You've taken fingers off.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

You've taken fingers off both my hands.


You've taken gloves off

Shown me what you can say and do

You've taken gloves off and set to work.


You've taken clothes off

Comfortably against my discomfort

You've taken clothes off with the light on.


You've taken off

Disappeared when I needed you most

You've taken off alone in the night.


You've taken

And you've taken

Til you've taken all of me away

01 February 2024

Gander

If you

Stabbed me in the chest

With a kitchen knife

And I dripped

"Fuck you"

From my lips

You would not speak to me for three days

You would say "nah, fuck me, right?"

And look right past me


And at my funeral

You would say I was really pretty mean

Then you'd need another three days

To recover from the sound

Of other people crying


And maybe three days after that

You'd have a reasonable excuse

To say things like "fuck you"

Because

Of course

You'd be "griev ing."

17 August 2022

TW

I remember when I realized he raped me

And the joke wasn't funny anymore

I remember standing in the front lawn

When he called me a whore

I remember throwing up after the baby

Until my entire soul was sore

I remember thinking I had found hope

Then being punished for wanting more


And yet

When you want me to forget

How I deserve to be treated

Or what I desperately needed

All you have to do is yank away

Anything I try to say

Crumple it

Spit on it

Twist it up until I've lost the thread

Leave me on read

Fuck you

You made me promise not to say

Fuck you

But I have given up on being known

I have given up on being heard

So if all that is left of me

Is a muted TV

The caption will still read

FUCK YOU

20 April 2022

Silence

 Silence when I wake up

He's working


 Silence when I bring home food

His stomach hurts


 Silence when I rush to work

He's tired


 Silence when I rush home for lunches

He's napping


 Silence when I leave again

I've left so many of the chores for him


 Silence when I am at work

He's napping again


 Silence when I come home

He needs a break


 Silence when they eat dinner

He needs a break


 Silence when they go to bed

He needs a break


 Silence when they've been asleep

He needs a break


I am alone, pumping my arms through the ocean, day and night. A novel for a brain, narrated to the inside of my skull. A secret logbook that verifies to only me all the challenges, victories, guilts, fears, enthusiasm, ideas, goals, and interests.

One day, if I drown, will my mind be squished down into a bottle, corked, and washed up on a shore somewhere I never had the time or money to go?

Will the person who reads it, years, generations, ages from now, be the person I have been hoping for, the person who will see me, accept me, love who I was, so many years, generations, ages before?

Or will I float into the great pacific garbage patch and contribute my hopes and passions to the toxicity of the ocean.

29 April 2021

Dirty

I am a fucking warrior. A survivor. I have leaves in my hair, blood in my mouth, and holes in my clothes. I stand before you with a medal in my fist and more achievements to my name than most will earn in a lifetime. You FORGED ME. You left me out to die and I THRIVED.

And YOU. Have lost ALL CREDENCE in criticizing the state of me, of my scars, or my abilities.

Who are you? Loud aggressor, who not only haven't felt the fires I've walked through, but lit them, kindled them, and pushed me in?

You can't touch me.

I know who I am.